Last night I watch a show called What Would You Do?, and I realized something; I’m a bully. I am nice to others. I go out of my way to compliment strangers. I try to be there as much as possible for my friends and family. The only person I’m a bully to, is me. 

I’d never talk the way to anyone like the way my inner voice talks to me. It’s down right abusive. Last nights show had three girls in an ice cream shop. Two of the girls were super mean to the third. They called her fat. They called her a pig. They called her disgusting. A lot of people spoke up for this girl. I’m so glad they did. I would. Hands down, I would. So why do I say those things to myself? 

Way back before I got sick, I noticed I’d do this. I would go pick up lunch from they Burgerville drive-thru occasionally. Then I’d go on a drive through the county while I ate. In my head, all I could hear was “People are looking at you. They wonder why is that fat girl eating that burger?” I brought this up to my doctor at the time. She put me on Prozac to “quiet the voices”. That always cracked me up. I mean, it’s not voices, it’s me. I’m a bully. 

In school, I was so insecure. I never had much confidence until I was in my late 20s. I have always understood the underdog. I don’t like movies where kids are being bullied or made fun of. It’s just always been a sensitive subject for me. So why am I so mean to myself? I mean, I’d smack someone for saying what I say to myself. 

The Prozac helped a bit. I’ve done A LOT of soul searching over the years. Heck, I have enough time on my hands. I try to replace the mean thoughts with productive ones when I’m paying attention. I am learning to love myself just how I am. It’s hard. Every day is a struggle, especially since my diagnosis because now I’m not even doing the things I used to, like working and bring in a bunch of money. Talk about taking a hit to the ego.  

I will fight against my bully until I no longer hear her. Take a stand and stand up to your inner bully too. I’d love feedback from people. Do you have that inner bully? If so, how do you deal with it?