stress

It’s Okay To Not Be Okay.

Sometimes it’s okay to not be okay. I’ve had a rough time lately. I’ve had a lot of pain, and a cold. It’s sometimes hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. I won’t go into it, but it’s sucks. Not only do the symptoms suck, but the emotional baggage that goes along with it does too.

I feel like I’m wasting my life because I hurt so bad. I used to push myself harder, but it seemed to make it worse. I need to get out of this cycle and live again. I’ve been sad a lot lately. This has become a lonely life. I have amazing friends and family. I just don’t feel well enough to get out. I want to. I make plans. I just hurt so bad I want to die (not literally). I miss have having something to do (work, cheer). I need to find something to do.

I am trying to wean down on my pain meds. I’m doing pretty good at it.

I know this post is pretty sad and depressing. I honestly needed to just vent. I’m just tired of being sick and tired. I want to be the old me again, or better yet a new and improved me. I did buy a day planner. I used one when I worked and it really helped me to reach my goals. My phone is easy to just ignore. So I’ll see if this day planner will help me to get out of bed, write more, and maybe even eat healthier and exercise?! 🤞🏻

I must overcome this.

Well, I’ll leave you with this quote from Theodore Roosevelt:

“Courage is not having the strength to go on; Its going on when you don’t have the strength”

Hello, yet again…

I seem to have made a habit out of posting “I’m back” blogs, when I’ve obviously not been back. As many of you with chronic illness know, some days are harder than others. I’ve been experiencing a lot of bad days over the past several months. I’ve started to blog several times since my last post, but each time it doesn’t seem to make sense, or I ramble on and on (and on). I have a lot to catch everyone up on.

My health took a dangerous turn. Thankfully, my husbands job (amazing insurance and hotel/air points) allowed me to seek a second opinion with my original doctors in Texas. They saved my life once again. Since then (October), I’ve had three bronchial dilations, and two chemo infusions. I am honestly quite emotional about how it all went down, so I’ll blog about the specifics later. For now, I just wanted to get a post out there. My intention is to blog more, and finish my book. I love writing. It’s a wonderful outlet for me since my diagnosis. I feel like I’ve lost so much of my life to these diseases. I want to push myself to live life to the fullest with every essence of my being, but then the pain becomes my reality. It just sucks. Anyway, I hope to post more often, and way more uplifting blogs. 🤞🏻

The Cycle

It seems to be a never ending cycle. The pain is intense. You can’t sleep. However, it’s the lack of sleep that contributes to the pain, and the pain that contributes to the lack of sleep. It’s awful. The doctors can prescribe medicine. They try to help (most try to help) with suggestions on how to deal with the pain, and insomnia. You may find something that works for a while, but eventually, it seems to stop and you are back at square one.

I am back at square one right now. I want to be healthy. I want to live a normal life. When I’m awake at night, I brainstorm of how I will get healthy. I want to switch to a plant-based diet. I want to exercise. I want to not take medications. I want to work. I want to live like I used to live before I got sick, even better than I did. Then morning comes, and I can’t hardly get out of bed. When I finally do get out of bed, my energy level is almost nonexistent. It’s a terrible way to live. I try to make small steps towards my goal. The pain is overwhelming though.

Some days, I push through. I hurt like hell, but I know others are counting on me. This is usually on the weekends when my husband and kids are home. I don’t want them to suffer because I feel like hell. They understand, and know I can’t do everything they want to do, which sucks. I want to do everything they want to do.

I spend a lot of time stretching. It helps. I spend a lot of time in prayer. It helps too. Then, I cry. Sometimes I don’t even know I’m doing it until I hear the sounds of agony, and realize it’s me.

I have realized a few things that do cause my pain to be more intense…stress…lack of sleep…weather changes…STRESS (that’s a big one, and deemed being repeated). Trying to avoid those are all impossible. Again, it’s the cycle. I’m feeling pretty frustrated and defeated. I know this is common among those with chronic illnesses. I just wish the cycle could end.