Month: July 2017

The Good Doctors

I had a doctor’s appointment today. I love seeing my Internal Medicine doctor because she truly cares, and wants to help. Not that the others don’t, but she really seems to care, She has made it her mission to get to know me and understand what I am going through. As most people with any type of illness can tell you, finding a doctor like this is very rare. I have been lucky to have three of these doctors in my lifetime. One of them was pre-diagnosis, back in the early to mid-2000s. She actually moved from my hometown of The Dalles to a town about two hours away. I remained her patient and drove to see her each appointment. Luckily, she moved back to my hometown and I continued to see her until I moved away. Then I had a slew of doctors that just were prescription happy, and misdiagnosed most of my illnesses. At my worst, I didn’t have insurance, and was at the end of my rope with all the symptoms from an undiagnosed Wegener’s Granulomatosis. I just happened to pick a doctor that my new insurance covered, and was near my home. She was the doctor that referred me to the doctor that referred me to the doctor that diagnosed me. She helped manage my medicines from a local standpoint, since I had to go six hours to my specialist. She is a doctor I miss. However, my current doctor is one smart lady. She is the doctor that facilitates my medicines, my referrals, and really tries to help. I don’t feel like I’m just a patient. It’s nice. It also allows me to speak my mind and be at ease, which is so helpful when you face anxiety like I do.

 

Right now, I am dealing with a lot of pain and fatigue. We are trying to figure ways to manage it, without just adding more medications blindly. This is going to be a process, and require several referrals. I feel a bit overwhelmed because it feels like I am back at square one with Fibromyalgia. However, with Wegener’s being in a remission of sorts, that is a huge worry off of my plate. I am anxious to get in with the specialist. As usual, they didn’t have appointments right away. So now I need to find a way to cope with things how they are until I can get in to see them. My initial feeling is to just do what should be natural…eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise. Simple enough. However, when you are in so much pain and extremely fatigued all of that is nearly impossible. I think I cause myself extra grief by stressing myself out about I “should be” doing this and that. It’s very aggravating.

 

I know this blog didn’t help many, but it helped me to just write. J

The Cycle

It seems to be a never ending cycle. The pain is intense. You can’t sleep. However, it’s the lack of sleep that contributes to the pain, and the pain that contributes to the lack of sleep. It’s awful. The doctors can prescribe medicine. They try to help (most try to help) with suggestions on how to deal with the pain, and insomnia. You may find something that works for a while, but eventually, it seems to stop and you are back at square one.

I am back at square one right now. I want to be healthy. I want to live a normal life. When I’m awake at night, I brainstorm of how I will get healthy. I want to switch to a plant-based diet. I want to exercise. I want to not take medications. I want to work. I want to live like I used to live before I got sick, even better than I did. Then morning comes, and I can’t hardly get out of bed. When I finally do get out of bed, my energy level is almost nonexistent. It’s a terrible way to live. I try to make small steps towards my goal. The pain is overwhelming though.

Some days, I push through. I hurt like hell, but I know others are counting on me. This is usually on the weekends when my husband and kids are home. I don’t want them to suffer because I feel like hell. They understand, and know I can’t do everything they want to do, which sucks. I want to do everything they want to do.

I spend a lot of time stretching. It helps. I spend a lot of time in prayer. It helps too. Then, I cry. Sometimes I don’t even know I’m doing it until I hear the sounds of agony, and realize it’s me.

I have realized a few things that do cause my pain to be more intense…stress…lack of sleep…weather changes…STRESS (that’s a big one, and deemed being repeated). Trying to avoid those are all impossible. Again, it’s the cycle. I’m feeling pretty frustrated and defeated. I know this is common among those with chronic illnesses. I just wish the cycle could end.